As you ALMOST CERTAINLY already know, October is National Pituitary Awareness Month, that special time of year when pituitary tumourheads (and all our brethren in glandular ineptitude) come together to make sure that the rest of the world is giving us enough sympathy.
If I were a teenager and this was Facebook, I'd probably put at least six exclamation marks after that sentence. But I'm not and it's not, so you'll just have to imagine how excited I am. When I saw the announcement on the Pituitary Foundation's website, I pretty much looked like this cat.*
However, I quickly realised there was a problem.
You see, October isn't just National Pituitary Awareness month.
According to The Internet, it's also Lupus Awareness Month, National Cyber Security Month, Breast Cancer Awareness Month, LGBT History Month, National Dental Hygiene Month, Tuberous Sclerosis Complex Awareness Month, Fire Prevention Month, Black History Month and National Masturbation Month.** I mean, damn. How can the cruel and unusual defects of a little gland in your head compete?
So I decided that, in honour of National Pituitary Awareness Month, I would stand up and Do My Bit. And my bit consists of explaining exactly why you should ignore all the other months clamouring for your awareness.
Lupus Awareness Month.
Anyone who's ever watched House knows the answer to this one. It's never lupus.
National Cyber Security Month.
Frankly, I'm not sure it takes a whole month to work out that the Nigerian prince doesn't actually want to give you a million dollars. Next.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month.
Now, I'm not one to downplay the seriousness of breast cancer. But while there are bundles of breast cancer and general cancer charities in the UK, and they fundraise all year round, there's only one UK charity which covers the entire range of exciting things that can go wrong with your pituitary.
Nevertheless, while you're reading this, I guess you could give your boobs a quick jiggle.
Just to check they're ok.***
National Dental Hygiene Month.
Dental hygiene is normally a cause I can really get behind. But National Dental Hygiene month is sponsored by Wrigleys, and the website seems to put a lot more effort into persuading you to chew gum than to, you know, brush your teeth and not drink Ribena all the live-long day. Cynical marketing gimmicks do not a national month make.
Unless anyone wants to sponsor Pituitary Awareness Month, of course.
That would be different.
Fire Prevention Month.
Because the rest of the year, that smoking chip pan can take care of itself.
LGBT and Black History Months.
I am too big a fan of history to support restricting LGBT and black history to one month in a year. Straight white guys get 11 months a year (white girls get a look-in in March, for some reason) virtually to themselves? No, thank you.
Now, go and read about Bayard Rustin, Alice Dunbar-Nelson and Josephine Baker. But please make sure you look them up again in November.
Tuberous Sclerosis Complex Awareness Month.
Aw, shucks. I knew there was going to be something to weaken my resolve. I'd never heard of tuberous sclerosis complex. I was all geared up and prepared to laugh at the fact that no sane person who'd come into contact with Transport for London recently would touch anything tuberous with a bargepole.
But no. I have crumbled, like a poorly made biscuit wrenched prematurely from baking paper. Tuberous sclerosis complex sufferers have a crappy and obscure disease, and they probably do need a month and a bit of sympathy.
I guess maybe we could share October, after all.
So now, go forth and multiply, in full awareness of pituitary adenomas and tuberous sclerosis complex! Awareness: Because some day it might come up in a pub quiz.
*Ok, no more cat pictures today. I promise.
** Just kidding. That's in May.
*** If you are a man, I suggest you find a volunteer. Or grow a nice pair of moobs. HINT: a pituitary adenoma producing prolactin will help.