Saturday, 31 December 2011

10 Medical New Year's Resolutions

2011 has been an exceedingly medical year for me. I had brain surgery, you know. So I have decided to make a list of my New Year's Resolutions for 2012, focusing not on the traditional "follow a diet quit smoking stop chewing your toenails" nonsense that is the bread and meat of new year's resolutions in general, but on solid and occasionally revolting medical matters of note.

And so. In the year 2012, I resolve:

1. Not to be in need of brain surgery or radiotherapy

2. To aim for a minimum of a 50% reduction in the amount of blood tests I have compared to 2011 (without a corresponding 50% increase in blood volume... that would be gross)

3. Not to get schistosomiasis

4. To learn how to pronounce schistosomiasis

5. To laugh at a homeopath (I am homeophobic)

6. To maintain an entirely appropriate heartrate at all times

7. To visit the Hunterian Museum and be suitably traumatised - and specifically, to see the skeleton of Charles Byrne, the "Irish Giant", a 7 1/2 foot tall man who suffered from acromegaly.

8. To disconcert my endocrinologist at least once by asking a lengthy and pointlessly technical question and then pretending to understand the answer.

9. To persuade my friend, a medical student who runs a Dermatology Society, that she should hold a dermatology quiz and pizza night, in which prospective dermatologists must diagnose which skin condition is represented in each pizza's toppings (eg. a pizza with olives hidden under the cheese could represent buboes. Yum.)*

10. To win the lottery (not technically a medical resolution, but that's no reason not to try)

Here's hoping 2012 will be an excellent year of few medical problems and many revolting pizzas. Happy new year!

* Seriously, this is an awesome idea. You should do it.

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